Press on weary heart. He is not finished with you.

Well as most of you know the day is drawing very near.

The birth of our daughter Symphony Jaxen Hull is imminent.

Oh I can't wait...

The thought occurred to me recently that when she gets here I'm not gonna really have time to do much else but be her mommy, and I'm totally okay with that, but I just thought I would get at least one more blog out before our sweet pea gets here.

You see she is the reason I even thought of the idea behind this blog.

I was laying in bed the other night, worrying my life away during one of the million storms we've had recently.

I was worrying about her.

Is she okay in there?
Will she be okay once she's out here?
What if something happens to her?
What if I miscarry...

Then I started worrying about my best friend and the love of my life Stephen.

He's been out in Arizona this past month recording their first full length album.

7 days till he's home and 15 days until our due date. (we don't seem to do anything the easy way...but I wouldn't have it any other way.)

What if he misses her birth?
What if his plane crashes?
What would I do if I lost him?

You see I've dreamt of two things my whole life.

Finding my husband and starting a beautiful family with him.

Now that both are coming true I find myself worrying that it will all be taken away.

So I started to pray.

My prayer was full of requests. Full of questions. Full of favors I needed from God.

Then it hit me.

I never worry about losing God.

Ever.

Now, we as Christians know that there is no way to lose God. He is always there. No matter what ridiculousness I put myself into, He is always there.

But why am I not worried about Him at all?

I am more worried about things that I can not control then I am about the thing I can.

My heart after God.

That should be the one and only consuming thought that makes me lose sleep at night.

The fact that I sin every day, sometimes blatantly, should keep me up at night, but instead I lay awake asking God for things He has already promised.

Matthew 6:25-27
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more then food, and the body more then clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

To be really honest, I have had a hard time getting into God recently.

You see, I know what happens to a person who is on fire for God. I know it will put a huge target all over my life for satan to want to come in and try to destroy all that God has given me.

I've been living scared.

It's been a lot easier for me to just sit at home and ignore the fact that I'm not doing anything.

This blog has been on my mind for a couple weeks now but I just haven't had the strength or the courage for that matter.

Writing is exhausting.

At least to me it is.

Fact: I cry every time I write.

I have been such a lazy Christian lately...and for that I want to apologize. I feel so foolish as I look back on the past few months. I took the easy way out and just put God on the back burner but not too far away because I needed things from Him.

I needed the comfort in knowing that He is in charge without actually giving him the drivers seat. (as if He needs my permission to drive.)

I've been asking for many things lately, but never did I sincerely ask for His will to be done.

I let the lie from satan take over. I actually was starting to believe that being a lazy Christian was okay.

That flying under the radar was a totally acceptable way of living.

It's definitely not.

Revelation 3:15-16
"I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!"

I fell victim to the lie that a lukewarm way of living was better then a targeted, on fire, life for God.

Sure it's a way easier way of life, but definitely not better.

Not in a million years.

I have lost many things in this life, many people that I didn't care to lose, but I will tell you the truth:

God knows what He's doing.

Period.

So if that means that I have to deal with the heartaches of this life in order for God to get things done, then so be it.

In fact I need to find joy in everything, even the heartaches.

At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what I choose to do. God is going to go on without me.

God doesn't need me.

Shocking, I know.

But He wants me.
He loves me.
He knows what is best for me.

He knows what is best for Stephen.

He knows what is best for Symphony...although he's giving her two very questionable parents so the jury's still out on that one. ; )

I'm sorry if this blog seems scattered.

It's really more for me. (selfish I know.)

It's for me to get off my butt.

It's for me to stand up from where I have been comfortably sitting for so long.

It's for me to tell satan, "I'm back."

More importantly it's for me to tell God, "I'm sorry."

God,
I don't know what you see in me, but I feel You working in me so I will not just sit here any longer. Let's do work. Use me where You see fit. Thank you for all that You have provided. Thank You for never giving up on me. I have given up on myself more times then I care to count, but You never have.
Overwhelming.
Thank You for a (very near future) husband that lives his life for You. Thank You that He pushes me to be better and always pushes me towards You. Thank You for providing the spiritual leader I have never had but have always needed. Thank You for the perfect teammate (Team Hull!) to stand next to me as we enter into the scary and exciting life of parenthood.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Thank You.

I am a work in progress...emphasis on the progress.

We were made to move forward.

Not to sit still.

And never to backtrack.

Press on weary heart. He is not finished with you.