You know?
It.
That feeling of urgency.
Like, "If I don't get this out in words right now, I'll explode."
Urgency to grab any sort of writing utensil.
Crayon, pen, etchasketch!
Anything to get this out and to remember this feeling or thought.
When the Spirit moves I just can't help but feel restless until I finish what I've been called to start.
The spirit moved through a text message I received from a new friend today at 3:44 p.m.
As I read the text I immediately assumed it was going to be a joke. It started like this:
"This is a deep and philosophical question..."
If you knew my friends you would understand why I assumed the text would end with a joke, but quite the opposite occurred.
It ended with a question I have never been asked before. It's ending brought on the beginning of the "it" feeling.
The ending was this:
"What makes you feel alive?"
.......huh.
Well that's not what I was expecting.
side note: for those of you who knew my brother Ryan this question made me whip out a classic Ryan face. The one that almost looks like a frown but it's really just his "thoughtful" face.
Sorry. I digress.
So as I drove into the city with Brittany I thought about what really makes me feel alive, and this is what I came up with.
(I hope this answers your question, Gagasian. Thank you for letting me share a little bit of my heart with you and thank you for challenging me as a writer and a woman of God.)
The first memory that popped into my head was a recent one actually.
This summer, as some of you know, I went through a season of brokenness.
I found myself single, jobless, cell phoneless, carless, etc.
I was struggling with many insecurities.
I was broken.
I was learning how to fall more in love with God and less in love with my own dreams.
Now before I go on there is one thing you need to know about me.
A FAF, if you will (Fun Amanda Fact).
The way I feel loved the most is through physical touch.
Being single doesn't really jive with that.
In the past, seasons of singleness have brought about very unhealthy thoughts that have lead me to extremely unhealthy actions.
I wanted this season to be different.
I needed to be different.
I needed to renew my mind before I ended up in the same spot I always ended up.
Alone and empty.
Now did I mess up during this renewal process?
Absolutely.
But God's grace is as pure as it was in the beginning so I made it out alive.
Being broken up with blows but what blew more was the quintessential Christian response.
"Just take this time to fall more in love with Jesus."
I cant even tell you how annoying that line is...or was.
Telling someone whose #1 love language is physical touch, to fall more in love with something that is seemingly non existent in the physical realm would be like telling a blind person to look more closely at a masterpiece and then they would understand it better.
Frustration.
Frustration until I allowed God to renew my mind thus renewing my heart.
Okay back to the summer.
It was a nice day out. Perfect for a nice hot and sweaty summer run.
I did the same thing I did every morning. I woke to my Bible clutched in my right hand and my chest clutched in my left. I read a few passages, rolled out of bed into my workout clothes and right into the kitchen for my "morning" coke. (coca-cola ;) and continued to the computer to do my morning creeping.
I was struggling with the thought of how to receive and give physical touch to my Heavenly Father.
For whatever reason I looked out my living room window at that moment.
In the midst of this bright sunny summer day it was raining.
I got up from my chair and looked out the window to make sure my eyes weren't fooling me.
What started as a drizzle became a downpour in the 3 steps it took me to make it to the window.
I sat back down at the computer. I felt this urgency building inside of me to go outside.
I love rain. I always have.
But as I made my way to the front door I somehow knew this rain would be different.
This wasn't just any rain.
As the drops began to soak my clothes and melt away on my skin I knew that I had finally found what I had been searching for.
Physical touch.
Not just any kind of physical touch.
The most pure form of physical touch I have ever experienced coming to me straight from my Heavenly Father Himself.
I remember breaking out in mine and my brother's favorite hymn.
Amazing Grace.
(This is the beauty of living in the country, you can stand out in the rain fully clothed and sing and no one looks at you like you're crazy.)
And in that moment I knew I was no longer just living, I was alive.
You shattered my darkness.
Washed away my blindness.
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out.
I'm alive again.
- Matt Maher
Washed away my blindness.
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out.
I'm alive again.
- Matt Maher
In the wind and in the rain, He is there. When I crunch a fall leaf under my feet, He is there. He is there in every snowflake and He is there in every crack of thunder, reminding me that He is madly in love with me.
And that, my friends, makes me feel alive.
And that, my friends, makes me feel alive.
