the bathroom status of friendship

I've hit what seems to be a string of "bad luck" lately when it comes to friendships. I have been bewildered by this for quite sometime, but last night it hit me why some friendships keep on failing.

Well at least I thought they were.

Truth is they really weren't friendships at all.

Growing up I had plenty of best friends. We even had necklaces that said so.

I shared my life with my friends. I told them everything, which at age ten isn't a whole lot, but still.

I'm sure this is how many of you feel about your childhood friendships too. As children we grow up thinking everyone is our best friend. We share our lives with them and why wouldn't we? God made us relational beings.

But somewhere along the line someone effs it up.

We become jaded. (ja-ja-jaded)

So and So told So and So that you like So and So and trust is broken.

We unknowingly start building up walls that over years of hurt relationships become our home where we build up certain comfort zones for certain people.

First you have your drive by friends. You know the ones I'm talking about. You put on a smile as they pass you by. You might even toss 'em a wave but that's as far as your friendship goes. They only get to see the surface, put together, happy, you.

Second you have your porch friends. People to shoot the breeze with. Sip on lemonade with as your children play together in the yard. You ask how each other is doing, not really expecting a true answer. You chit chat about work and you may even scratch the surface of real talk but you change the subject before things get awkward or dare I say it?

Real.

Then there are the friendships that actually make it inside.

Third you've got your Sunday brunchers. The kind of people who know just enough of the real you to invite them inside. But don't be deceived...the Sunday brunchers can easily be made into the porch friends or even the drive by friends if things get too real. If someone, who obviously doesn't know they are just a Sunday bruncher, oversteps the invisible boundaries you have set up for them. Maybe they challenge you on something you believe. Or they happen to have a different way of raising their children and you think they're talking down to you about the way you do things. Whatever it may be, they're usually one step away from getting the boot with no remorse from you.

Fourth we have the dinner friends. A much more intimate friendship. These friends have usually been around for a while. They've earned a spot at your table. Chances are somewhere in your friendship you've hurt each other and have reconciled but there are still walls up that they are not allowed passed. And sadly, much like the Sunday brunchers, if they push the limits you have set up for them they just become a passing wave.

Now for our fifth and final most important area of friendships. The only area I consider to be an actual friend to be honest.

The bathroom.

No not the nice neat guest bathroom that rarely ever gets used. I mean the master bathroom.

The room that has seen it all. The good, the bad, and the down right nasty.

The room you first gave you kids a bath in.
The room you and your spouse have made love in countless times.
The room you sing in at the top of your lungs because God has answered your prayers.
The room you scream in until you're blue in the face because your spouse has been unfaithful...again.
The room you puke in when you don't like what's looking back at you in the mirror.
The room you have a mental breakdown in when life, as you know it, has come crashing down around you, and you have no idea why.

Yes this is the room where only the truest of friends get to go.

And yet there will come a day when even they may become a passerby...sadly without even so much as a wave.

Why?

When and how did friendships become so freakin complicated?!

Well I'll tell you when mine did...or at least my best guess.

(this is a long blog...I'm sure I lost most of you at the bathroom part lol just bear with me.)

You see in high school I had gone on a missions trip to New Orleans and that is where I met my original "florida boys."

They quickly became some of the truest friends I had ever had.

Through many trips back and forth we all became inseparable. We knew each other for who the other truly was and we all still loved each other.

Sure I had my friendships at home too but none compared to my boys. They were all I needed.

Then life got hard.

My brother had become very sick around this time of year in 2008 and on June 6th he was gone.

I did not receive even so much as a phone call from any of my florida boys. I shrugged it off at the time because, let's be real, I had bigger things to worry about.

The friendship that held us once together was severed. I no longer had any faith in the God who took my brother from this world and I wanted nothing to do with Him.

No one of course knew that I had made this switch. I mean what kind of Christian would I be if I actually admitted my distrust in the One I am supposed to have all of my trust in?

And this is when my house became my own personal dungeon.

I didn't let anyone in.

Not even my fiance at the time.

For an entire year everyone in my life became a passerby, when all of them thought they were at bathroom status.

At the end of that year the walls of my dungeon came crumbling down and the truth of who I had become was evident to everyone.

I was exhausted.

In my numbness to any feelings whatsoever and in my plan to escape any sort of reality where my brother was no longer, I became unfaithful to the man I had once promised to marry.

I had gotten so good at putting up a front and masking my complete and udder ugliness that I even went on a missions trip during that year.

I faked happiness and understanding when I had neither.

When the truth finally came out and the dust cleared from the damage I had done, there were 6 remaining.

None of which were my beloved florida boys. All of which flew up to be with my now ex. Apparently a break up was more significant then a death to them.

Allen and Shannon Coleman.
Justin and Hannah (soon-to-be) Prevost.
Sean Burke.
Catherine Schauer.

These were the 6 that remained.

I don't even know why they stuck around to be honest. The person I had become is someone I would never in a million years be friends with.

But they got it. They knew what friendship truly meant when I had zero concept.

It terrifies me to think about where I would be or who I would of become without those steadfast 6.

I stayed in Catherine's dorm for a whole week when I was no longer welcomed into my own home.

Hannah, Justin, and Sean all bought me a plane ticket to California when my life here was clearly toxic.

Allen and Shannon opened their home (four kids and two dogs) to a selfish wretch like me.

They without a doubt changed the course of my life forever and I don't think any of them know how truly thankful I am that they let God use them to undoubtedly save my life.

The sad part is at the time I could only see the friends that were walking away instead of being thankful for the ones that had not.

That story could go on forever. Trust me when I say, that is the short version.

Bottom line is that after all of that, I decided to become the most honest person you have ever met...without truly letting people in.

In my attempt to not have any walls up, my honesty became my new home.

And thus the areas of friendship were rebuilt but this time I was honest with all of them.

The casual, "how are you doing?" would be answered much like this, "really shitty but God is good. Thanks for asking!"

Yeah some people are just not a fan of that much honesty.

Now I don't really know how to explain this so please have patience with me. (anyone who has made it this far in this blog clearly has patience.)

My blunt honesty turned into walls without me even knowing it.

In me being honest I just assumed that I was building deep relationships.

Instead of letting people get to know me, I just let them know facts about me.

It really hit me last night while in an argument with a friend that I have so many friendships that are just surface friendships but when things get hard I expect them to act like deep relationships.

You can imagine how stupid I feel.

And they aren't to blame.

I've been so hurt by past (and some present) relationships that I'm really only giving them surface stuff while expecting them to know that I would do anything for them.

Which I would! But how would any of them know that?

I expect people to have my back but why would they? 99% of them don't even know me!

They know facts about me but they don't know the real me.

I feel like I am not the only one who can relate to this...some of you may just be realizing how true this is in your life.

I know I am.

We get so jaded along the way that we're left alone in our adulthood wondering why no one is a good friend.

Look in the mirror.

Now there are, of course, the exceptions. There are actually people who, for whatever reason, are just terrible friends.

You just need to make sure that you are not one of them.

Let people in.

I know this is a terrifying concept.

But I can guarantee that if we all were just real and let God use us for who we really are, lives will be changed.

Walls would come crumbling down and more and more people would be left standing when the dust clears with arms stretched out wanting to help you through the hard times and rejoice with you in the happy times. (a friend who can rejoice in your happiness is a true friend. Jealousy does not look good on anyone.)

Are my feelings still going to get hurt?

Yes.

Am I still going to hurt some one's feelings?

Unfortunately, yes.

That's why we're called humans. No one is perfect...even if they seem like they've got it all together, chances are they do not. They are just as jaded and messed up as you.

So give grace when they fall.

Give truth in love when necessary and expect it in return.

Challenge and question one another, but remember that some people might still have you out on the porch so do not be surprised if your opinion is not greeted with open arms.

Friends should be there to make you stronger, not tear you down.

And with the difficult seemingly moronic "friends"...let them go. If you find yourself being more damaged by them then built up just give them to God.

Not all of us were made to be best friends, let alone friends in general, and that needs to be okay too.

But I know it's time for me to start really taking a look at what kind of friend I am and what kind of friend we are going to raise our daughter to be.