why just live when you could be alive?

I've been wanting to write a new blog for a while now, just haven't really felt it.

You know?

It.

That feeling of urgency.

Like, "If I don't get this out in words right now, I'll explode."

Urgency to grab any sort of writing utensil.

Crayon, pen, etchasketch!

Anything to get this out and to remember this feeling or thought.

When the Spirit moves I just can't help but feel restless until I finish what I've been called to start.

The spirit moved through a text message I received from a new friend today at 3:44 p.m.

As I read the text I immediately assumed it was going to be a joke. It started like this:

"This is a deep and philosophical question..."

If you knew my friends you would understand why I assumed the text would end with a joke, but quite the opposite occurred.

It ended with a question I have never been asked before. It's ending brought on the beginning of the "it" feeling.

The ending was this:

"What makes you feel alive?"

.......huh.

Well that's not what I was expecting.

side note: for those of you who knew my brother Ryan this question made me whip out a classic Ryan face. The one that almost looks like a frown but it's really just his "thoughtful" face.

Sorry. I digress.

So as I drove into the city with Brittany I thought about what really makes me feel alive, and this is what I came up with.

(I hope this answers your question, Gagasian. Thank you for letting me share a little bit of my heart with you and thank you for challenging me as a writer and a woman of God.)

The first memory that popped into my head was a recent one actually.

This summer, as some of you know, I went through a season of brokenness.

I found myself single, jobless, cell phoneless, carless, etc.

I was struggling with many insecurities.

I was broken.

I was learning how to fall more in love with God and less in love with my own dreams.

Now before I go on there is one thing you need to know about me.

A FAF, if you will (Fun Amanda Fact).

The way I feel loved the most is through physical touch.

Being single doesn't really jive with that.

In the past, seasons of singleness have brought about very unhealthy thoughts that have lead me to extremely unhealthy actions.

I wanted this season to be different.

I needed to be different.

I needed to renew my mind before I ended up in the same spot I always ended up.

Alone and empty.

Now did I mess up during this renewal process?

Absolutely.

But God's grace is as pure as it was in the beginning so I made it out alive.

Being broken up with blows but what blew more was the quintessential Christian response.

"Just take this time to fall more in love with Jesus."

I cant even tell you how annoying that line is...or was.

Telling someone whose #1 love language is physical touch, to fall more in love with something that is seemingly non existent in the physical realm would be like telling a blind person to look more closely at a masterpiece and then they would understand it better.

Frustration.

Frustration until I allowed God to renew my mind thus renewing my heart.

Okay back to the summer.

It was a nice day out. Perfect for a nice hot and sweaty summer run.

I did the same thing I did every morning. I woke to my Bible clutched in my right hand and my chest clutched in my left. I read a few passages, rolled out of bed into my workout clothes and right into the kitchen for my "morning" coke. (coca-cola ;) and continued to the computer to do my morning creeping.

I was struggling with the thought of how to receive and give physical touch to my Heavenly Father.

For whatever reason I looked out my living room window at that moment.

In the midst of this bright sunny summer day it was raining.

I got up from my chair and looked out the window to make sure my eyes weren't fooling me.

What started as a drizzle became a downpour in the 3 steps it took me to make it to the window.

I sat back down at the computer. I felt this urgency building inside of me to go outside.

I love rain. I always have.

But as I made my way to the front door I somehow knew this rain would be different.

This wasn't just any rain.

As the drops began to soak my clothes and melt away on my skin I knew that I had finally found what I had been searching for.

Physical touch.

Not just any kind of physical touch.

The most pure form of physical touch I have ever experienced coming to me straight from my Heavenly Father Himself.

I remember breaking out in mine and my brother's favorite hymn.

Amazing Grace.

(This is the beauty of living in the country, you can stand out in the rain fully clothed and sing and no one looks at you like you're crazy.)

And in that moment I knew I was no longer just living, I was alive.

You shattered my darkness.
Washed away my blindness.
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out.
I'm alive again.
- Matt Maher

In the wind and in the rain, He is there. When I crunch a fall leaf under my feet, He is there. He is there in every snowflake and He is there in every crack of thunder, reminding me that He is madly in love with me.

And that, my friends, makes me feel alive.

This just in: rear view mirrors are totally unnecessary. who knew?

As I drove home from the city last night I found myself getting extremely distracted by what was in my rear view mirror. When I came back to the reality that I was still moving forward at a steady pace (I may or may not have been speeding) the thought occurred to me that this is much like life.

So often I find myself haunted by what is in my past. I find myself staring at it so much so that I completely forget about the present.

I forget that I am still moving forward.

Sometimes I focus so much on my past because I don't want to go back to the way I was that I miss countless opportunities in my present.

Or worse..my past becomes my present...again.

I am sure I am not alone in this vicious cycle.

And if I am..well..then you all need to stop lying to yourselves and join me in this fight (or more surrender) against the past.

Growing up in a Christian home and going to Sunday school and youth group my whole life, and not to mention my k-12 Christian education, I could not help but think about the story of Lot..well, more of Lot's wife.

Her human nature took over and killed her.

For those of you who don't know this story allow me to sum it up for you.

Genesis 19

Lot and his family (wife and 2 daughters) lived in a town called Sodom.
Sodom, along with the neighboring community of Gomorrah, were wicked.
The level of wickedness, I can not comprehend.
God sends two angels to destroy everything...yes, everything.
Lot and his family are spared if they run...and more importantly if they do not look back.
Wife looks back...dead.

I urge you to actually go read this passage for waaaaay more details that I will most likely discuss in my next blog. It's a fairly short chapter so please please go read it.

Genesis 19:17b (Angels speaking to Lot and his family.)

"Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!"

What I find so interesting about this urgent command from the angels is the "don't stop anywhere in the plain!" part.

The human (annoying) nature in me goes, "but why?"

I'm far enough away aren't I? I'm not in the city any more.

I'm not doing drugs any more but I hang out with my friends who still do. So what if I take a couple hits?

I'm not having sex with my boyfriend any more but we mess around still because, well, we're "in love".

I'm not getting drunk any more but I can't just order coke..my friends will make fun of me.

I'm not going to strip clubs any more but I look at porn from time to time..I'm horny and no one has to know.

We constantly put ourselves out on this tight rope of temptation because we have somehow convinced ourselves that we will not fall into the pit hole of sin again.

You will fall.

Every time.

We also convince ourselves that there are certain sins that are worse then others.

When I (often) find myself debating back and fourth between the devil on my shoulder and the Holy Spirit in my heart, I find myself asking one question;

"Who will my decision bring happiness to?"

The thought of disappointing God is troubling enough but thinking that I have somehow made satan happy makes me sick.

When I think about how many times I have let satan think he is winning it makes me that more bold in my love for Jesus.

In my research in the story of Lot I happened upon a verse in Luke. I am sure most of you have heard Luke 17:33,

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

But the verse that has made the biggest impact on me today is the verse directly before it, Luke 17:32..it's just three simple words.

Remember
Lot's
Wife
!

Stop looking in your rear view mirror (this is clearly metaphorical..please use your actual rear view mirror..it saves lives. :)

Let go of the pain and regret from your past that is paralyzing you to the point where you are just going through the motions in the present.

Remember the lessons from your past mistakes but stop reliving everything you could of done differently.

Move on.

Let it go.

Live in the present and look forward to the future God so desperately wants for you.

Stop missing out on what God needs you for today because you are so stuck on the missed opportunities in your past. For your present will soon be your past so stop adding to the list of regrets.

"Let God plunder the enemy by bringing so much good from the bad, satan with regret ever taking us to the wilderness of sin. What divine vengeance occurs when we let God use our past failures to humble us, refine us, and use us all the more effectively."
- Beth Moore.

God, if I am in Your way, move me..

So this past Sunday night I strolled on down to hipster town USA (wicker park) to check out a band called "Fun" (seriously, that's their name and it's true)

On the ride down with two of the coolest people on the planet, Eric; the genius that he is; popped in the new Norma Jean CD...so good.

You see I was having one of those days. You know the ones, where the scariest of thoughts seem to creep so far into your brain that it makes your heart hurt. The ones that take an immense amount of prayer and truth to end what seems like a never ending panic attack.

Earlier that day I was having lunch at my second family's home. Britt and I got on the topic of people from our old youth group and we started to discuss where everyone was and what they were doing.

They all seem to be married.

They all seem to be put together.

This is when the thoughts started to creep into my head.

I was supposed to be married by now. I was supposed to be one of the first and now I am seemingly going to be one of the last. I was supposed to be all settled into an amazing life that would make me seem all put together as well.

But here I am at age 23 (almost 24) living with my Dad, unemployed (ish), no car, debt...single.

I am exactly where God wants me..no, needs me, to be.

When E&B invited me down to the city I was a little reluctant. I was just not in the mood to be in an all couples situation but Britt assured me that it wasn't going to be like that. She is super good at helping me out of my slumps. It's always nice to have a 2 decade old friend who knows exactly what I need in order to get back to the truth.

Fast forward to us trying to find parking remotely close to where we needed to be in the city.

We finally found one because Britt noticed a guy pulling out of his cramped spot, so we took it. Eric and I hopped out to direct Britt into the tight squeeze.

She parked it like a champ. We hid our valuables. Locked up. And we started to walk.

We went the wrong way..of course. So we had to turn around and walk passed the car again.

There was a guy walking passed the car as we came upon it so Britt, being the funny girl she is, hit the lock button a couple more times to scare the innocent pedestrian.

We laughed.

The walk to the hipster party wasn't that bad. Britt and I were already complaining of knee problems. Eric had found some free garbage. The walk was a success.

And then we turned onto the street full of hipsters and it hit me. This is what I prayed,

"God, You need to show up tonight."

I have no idea where it came from. But there I was in the middle of a hot sticky hipster nation praying for God to show up. And then this prayer came out,

"God, if I am in Your way, move me. I don't want to stop what You're going to do tonight."

As we weaved our way through the crowd to find Fun (haha the band.) I just continued with my simple prayer asking (sometimes it felt like i was telling more then asking) God to show up.

Needless to say I kept my eyes pealed for anything God might need me to see that night.

As I watched the crowd it struck me that it could be possible that none of them knew that God loves them. I was overwhelmed with the idea that someone that night might want to take their own life because they felt like no one loves them.

"God, You need to show up tonight."

The show ended and the cracked out crowd dispersed.

We strolled on over with some friends to get some food and we parked our tushes on the curb to eat and talk. (and I continued to people watch.)

Chicago is full of the most interesting people..I love it.

I made a couple new friends that night so to me it was a success.

We finished up and started our stroll back to the car.

Eric asked us if we wanted to take the long safer way or the short sketchier way. I told him I trusted his ninja skills and we continued down the road less traveled. Britt started to tell us stories about when she lived in the city she would walk in the middle of the street at night because that way people in the houses couldn't just grab her. To which I responded, "Yes, because people in big creepy vans can't reach you in the middle of the street."

We had a good laugh about that one and then we were back at the car.

Britt unlocked the car and hopped in to back out. Eric and I stayed outside, joking about something immature I'm sure, to help Britt not hit the other cars.

And then it happened.

"Babe, your GPS is gone..." Britt reluctantly said from inside the car.

Our joking came to a screeching halt as the reality kicked in that her car had been broken into.

I whipped open the back door and for some reason my new boots were my first thought...

They were there! Phew!

And then my eyes slowly turned toward the spot I had hidden my purse. I lifted up the pile of clothes I had buried it under.

Gone.

I am sure that at this point I let out a few choice words.

My soc card was my first thought.

Yes I knowwww it's not smart to carry that sucker on you. Anyone who finds out that I carry it on me always gives me the lecture on it. I joke about it all the time saying that anyone is more then welcome to steel my identity. "Pay off my debt while you're at it sucker!" I would jokingly reply.

Oh irony.

"Oh phew!!"

I turned to see Eric holding high the Norma Jean CD.

It was just the comedic relief we needed. I started to laugh uncontrollably. You know the "laugh to keep from crying" laugh.

As I dialed 911 I noticed a man on the corner who was half watching us. I have no clue where he came from. I started to look to see if any of those police cameras were on the corners...

None.

The man asked if we were okay and I had a short conversation with him. He pointed out that there was a camera on the side of the building.

Pointed directly at Britt's car.

I continued to talk to the 911 dispatcher who was zero help and the man was gone.

While on hold thoughts of what was in my purse started popping into my head and it hit me..

My Bible.

More choice words started to flow.

Take my soc but don't take my Bible!

So after being patched through twice to a recording system via the 911 dispatcher, who I lovingly referred to as a dumbass not realizing she was still on the line (whoops) and Britt asking random people if they knew the owner to the building with the camera we decided to just get in the car and leave.

As I started to get in to Britt's car I heard someone say, "There's a police car, do you want me to flag him down?"

I looked to see that same man again. From no where he showed up exactly when we needed him..curious.

The police stopped and to our surprise we got the nicest police officers everrrr.

While filing the report we continued to try and find silver lining after silver lining. If I was a pessimist I don't even know what I would do with myself.

"Yes! They didn't take my tootsie pops!!" Eric exclaimed from the passenger side door.

"Well the good news is they didn't steel our sense of humor!" I replied.

I could go on and on about the many jokes that have come out from this night. While filing a police report I laughed so hard I cried.

I am sure I looked like a little lost puppy dog as I described what my Bible looked like to the seemingly confused police officer.

"Are you being serious?" He asked.

While driving home and still laughing about the ridiculousness it hit me.

Is this what God was preparing me for tonight?

The fact that BOTH of my purses, one carrying my Bible and the other carrying my copy of Crazy Love, got yoinked is a bit odd to me. Not to mention that Britt's purse, which is much nicer then both of mine combined, was untouched. (among everything else Britt didn't get stolen haha.)

I shared my thoughts with the two goobers in the front to which Eric replied, "Hey leave me out of this!" (sorry your GPS got stolen in order to further the kingdom, E.)

As I look back on this entire day I am struck with many feelings. When the feeling of overwhelming disappointment about my Bible being stolen starts to creep into my brain I am at peace when I remember Who is in control.

God knew that my purse would be stolen that night. He knows and loves the thieves (my guess is 2 people...Eric and I have our theories.) right where they are at.

I do not know if I will ever hear the outcome of this section of God's story. I do not know if my chapter will ever intersect again with the person who took my purse. But what I do know is that God needed me to let go of my purse that night. I don't know why and that's okay.

That is why He is God and I am not.

"Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope. I'm telling you, you're wrong."
-RK

My God works in mysterious, and many times, inconvenient ways. Who am I to get in His way?


"God, if I am in Your way, move me. I don't want to stop what You're going to do tonight."

If the Son has set me free, then why do I keep acting like a captive?

So I was reminded by my mom yesterday that it has been a year since I moved back home from cali. I have had some what of a writers block recently..not so much not knowing what to write about or not having the words, I just haven't "felt it". Every time I would sit down and start writing it just felt forced and I don't like that. I wanna be moved to write and realizing its been a year has moved me.

Chances are many people are not going to like what I am about to write. You will be confused. Some of you will not understand because, well, my struggles are not your struggles. And that's okay.

I could not help but think about what I have done, or haven't done, this past year.

You see a year ago I came home to a place that wasn't really home any more. I came home to feelings and people that I did not want to have to deal with. I came home to not wanting to go out in public because I didn't want to run into anyone. I came home to people I had lied to. I came home to people who had turned their backs on me. I came home to judgment. I came home to no longer the ocean as my backyard but a backyard filled with shameful memories.

So you might be wondering why I even came home. Well truth is there was really only one person who could get me to move back to the midwest away from my beloved ocean and the community I grew to love in LBC.

Grandma.

To say that my Grandma is the rock of our family is a gross understatement. I was getting word that her health was a little shaky so I came home.

You see I have learned that life is short the painful way. I have been filled with regret thinking about all of the time I didn't spend with people. People I would of died for. People that are no longer here. I don't want that to happen with my Grandma (not that you're going any where any time soon woman!!)

So here I sit one year later. three boyfriends later. two jobs later. four homes later. one hospital stay later. four cell phone numbers later. five plus hair styles later. two tattoos later. one million tears later.

So here I sit.

One.
Year.
Later.

To say that I have somewhat wasted the past two years is nothing less then the truth. Every time I make headway I am hit by the train of temptation. You see about two years ago satan finally figured out my weakness.

Men.

These past two years I have done things I never thought I would do. I have said "yes" to things that should of never even been a thought in my brain. I have gone on dates I never wanted to go on. I have had sex with people I never thought I would even kiss. I have had sex with a man who I thought was "the one". I have said "no" to God more times then I would ever want to count.

I have been in complete denial of the fact that satan does in fact know me.
I have been in denial about the joy that I bring him on a daily basis.
I have been in denial that he is roaming this earth looking to seek and destroy.
I have been in denial about my own weakness.

So much of my life I have been trained to remember things I know about God but what I really need to be remembering at this point is what I know about satan.

So now what?

Well the way I see it, I have two options. I can continue to ignore what I know to be true about satan or I can use what I know and go to battle.

This is, after all, my life I am fighting for.

If you really know me you know that I am a 7. I am a dreamer not a planner. I have so many big dreams that I don't know how any of them are possible. I have spent many nights asking God to throw me a bone. But what I have realized recently is that my request is completely ridiculous.

What am I doing in my life that would ever make God want to bless me. Not that He will only bless those who are "perfect" or anything along those lines. But seriously...if I am not even remotely close to doing the things I know God wants me to be doing why do I think that any of my dreams will ever come true?! Because, let's be real, I will never be able to make my dreams happen on my own.

Trust me.

I have tried.

And failed.

Multiple times.

Father forgive me for being a dumb sheep.

You see I need to let God prepare me for the day my (dream) life starts. I need to prepare my heart for the life I so desperately yearn to have. I need to be making intentional decisions and I need to stop intentionally disobeying God.

If the Son has set me free, then why do I keep acting like a captive?

"The moment we admitted our guilt and accepted our pardon, the prison doors were opened. And as much as satan wishes he held the keys to lock them back again, he doesn't. All he can do is try to keep us seated in an unlocked prison cell." - Beth Moore

So here I walk, two years later, out of my prison cell.

why "bad" things will always happen to you..

So I was reading in Matthew last night when I happened upon an old parable. I think this is probably one of the first ones they teach you in Sunday school, it's definitely one of the first Sunday school songs you learn. I don't know what made me read it last night, well, I mean I do now, but at the time I was like, "well this is always a good reminder I guess, why not read it again?"

The Wise and Foolish Builders

For those of you who have not heard this one yet let me fill you in.

Matthew 7:24-27

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the wind blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Simple enough huh?

False.

This is not simple at all.

Here is what I got from this last night that I had not caught for 23 years. (yes I've been reading since I was born smarty pants.)

The storm is inevitable.

Whether you build your house on the rock or the sand, the storm is coming.

It does not say, "The rain might come down, the streams might rise, and the wind might blow and it might beat against your house."

So often I hear Christians who can't understand why bad things happen to them or to good people they know. I have been that Christian. umm...hello! God never said this life would be easy. He has always warned us of the opposite actually. Even since Sunday school He has been warning us of the storms that will inevitably come whether we are ready (rock) or not (sand).

And this warning, persay, isn't just for those who claim to be Christians. This is for "everyone who hears these words of mine.."

Everyone.

So I'm sorry if this is the first time you are hearing His words but now you are included in this..sucker.

Sorry I'm not sorry.

And here is another awesome part. You can not hide from this storm. It will find you. Whether you are on the highest mountain or in the lowest valley, you will be effected by this storm.

I know what you're thinking, "and where is the awesome part?"

You can not hide from God. He always knows where you are. No money in the world can protect you from His love.

Again, I know what you're thinking, "why would I want to be protected from His love?"

Maybe these song lyrics by a Mister David Crowder will help with the picture I am trying to paint here:

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me."

Don't you get it?

God is the storm.

We have a choice. Accept that the storm is coming and try to prepare OR ignore the warnings of His forthcoming love and choose to live a life that is not worth living.

Yeah a house on the beach sounds awesome! But it will not last.

And just incase you did not catch it, God is not talking about your actual earthly home..although I'm sure He would not suggest that you build on sand. He is talking about you. Your heart. Your body. Your soul. Everything that is you.

You will fail. I will fail. I do fail. What is important is that we learn from past failures. We learn to not build on the sand. I can not even tell you how many beach homes I have tried to build. It's embarrassing how many times I have failed.

You have to get up. God knows you are going to fail even before you start your blue prints. He is waiting for you to call out His name when "the weight of His wind and mercy" makes all of your plans come crashing down around you.

I assure you that His way is best. It will always hurt. Good things take time and endurance.

But do not rest assured in my words, rest assured in the power of His promise that He gives us in Philippians 1:6

"being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

He knows what He's doing.

So until you see those beautiful clouds rip open and you hear the sound of His glorious trumpets, know that He is not done with you. He has not forgotten about you.

He will finish what He has started.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize. Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us. Oh how He loves us.."

The storm is coming. Are you ready?

well don't I feel silly...

In 4 blogs I forgot my creator.
In 2 blogs I lost the man I fell in love with.

sigh...well don't I feel silly..

Why is it that when my life is going awesome, or at least when I think it's going awesome, I just assume that it is how God wants it to be going?

Why is it that when it all came crashing down I forgot Who is in control?

Why do I worry?

Why do I waste my time worrying about things that I can not change?

Why do I constantly waste my time doing everything except what I am actually here to do?

Why do I forget to enjoy my Creator?

At the end of the day, if I did anything but enjoy God, I completely missed the point.

You see there are many reasons why my plans fail...mainly because they are MY plans.

When will I learn that I have no idea what I am doing? When will I learn that God's way is ALWAYS the best way? It's easy to think that when things are going my way because, well like I said, I just assume that God and I are on the same page.

When I do things my way, whether it is out of disobedience or ignorance, it is literally ALWAYS an epic fail. On so many levels.

You see when we do things our way we are not the only ones affected when it all comes crashing down. And it will come crashing down. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Nothing.

Trust me.

Nothing.

You see because God's plan is ALWAYS better.

Yes, even the brokenness He sends my way.

Because it is in the brokenness where I learn the most about myself, where I learn to grow stronger so that maybe, just maybe, I wont continue to get back up and do the same thing over and over again.

And here's the beauty in all of this:

Grace.

Breathe it in.

Beautiful, sweet, unending, incomprehensible grace.

Free.

....what?! Free?

Yeah. Free.

You just have to accept it.

And here is the tricky part. I know it may sound easy to accept grace, but for me, it is not.

I constantly find myself doing what the devil wants me to do; beating myself up.

You see last year around this time I was in a similar situation. Single.

I now have a choice. Do I do what I did last year and go down the always "fun" but never actually fun road? Or do I worship the God who gives but inevitably takes away?

Do I pretend like this didn't hurt? Or do I accept the pain as beautiful?

Do I pretend like it wasn't love? Or do I accept the loss?

Do I hide the tears for only my own pillow to soak up? Or do I cling to the tear covered cross?

Do I let satan win? Or do I accept that God knows best?

Do I put up walls? Or do I get excited for my future?

Cuz here's the situation, God knows my hopes and dreams. He knows that all I want is to be a wife and a mother. He knows. And here's the deal, that might not be the path He needs me to take.

I need to be okay with that.

I am not here to be a wife. I am not here to be a mother.

I am here to enjoy my Creator.

God understands loss. He understands a broken heart. God can handle whatever we need to lay at His feet; which needs to be everything.

God hates a wishy washy person. (Revelation 3:15-16)

Pick a side!

It's all or nothing.

I choose the road less traveled.

I know who wins in the end. :)

But until that day comes I just have to remember to breathe and enjoy my Creator.

That's it.

In both the highs and the lows.

I just have to keep breathing and enjoy my Creator.

Join me, won't you?

It's not easy.

But it is best.

So today I will consider it pure joy while I face these trials. (James 1:2)

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

if i could change one thing...

So I'm sitting here at 5:31 a.m. and I can't help but think about my brother Ryan.

I have been wanting to write a new blog all night I just didn't know what I wanted or needed to write about. It has been a sad night for me, and not just because of the new health care bill, but because I no longer have Ryan in my life to explain it to me. He was so smart...no, more like intelligent and well informed. This used to happen more often when he was first gone; something would happen and my first thought would be to call Ryan followed by the sick reality that I could no longer just pick up the phone and call him. What is even more depressing is how often I did not call him.

I am overwhelmed. (whenever you see me write this know that its usually because i am taking time to hold back tears. i hate to cry.)

anywho (Ryan's word), so as I sit here and dwell on the fact that no matter how much I read about this new bill I still have no clue the affect it will have on me. No matter how many articles I read it just becomes more and more clear that I need Ryan and more and more clear how much he's not here. And the even clearer thought I have is regret.

I am overwhelmed.

I regret how much I missed out on because of my own greed. I regret time spent on anything but visiting my brother.

This past year for me has been all about grieving. Grieving the loss of many things: family, friends, a fiance, time, jobs, possessions, etc. But above ALL of those things...so so far above those things is the loss of my big brother Ryan Patrick Sweeney. Now for those of you who know me well enough you know that he has been gone for two years and not just one. But the fact of the matter is I was too consumed by myself that first year to grieve at all. I mean for crying out loud, the day after my brother died I went to work!

unbelievable.

So this blog is a blog full of regret. If I could change one thing...I would of gone to that hospital and not left until June 6, 2008. Thats it. End of story. I should of never left.

I am overwhelmed.

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I left.

I am sorry that I didn't stay.

I am sorry that I didn't come more often with mom.

I am sorry for ever wanting to leave you to get back to work.

I am sorry I didn't stay with Kristin.

I am sorry I wasn't there to cheer you on.

I am sorry that I wasn't there to help you walk.

I am sorry that I missed out on your monumental recovery moments.

I am sorry that I hit you with that roller skate when we were little.

I am sorry for taking the Lord's name in vain and that you had to tell on me to mom. (tattle tail)

I am sorry I didn't support your move to michigan at first and I gave you and kristin 'tude.

I am sorry we didn't laugh more.

I am sorry that I didn't fight for you more.

I am sorry for not walking in the cf walk with kristin that one year.

I am sorry I didn't go to church with mom on Christmas eve and that that made you sad.

I am sorry that I didn't get in a car crash that would supply (hopefully) some lungs for you.

I am sorry that I never sent you a care package.

I am sorry that I didn't pay attention more to your politics jargon.

I am sorry for making fun of how you scratched your armpits.

I am sorry for making fun of how you stuck your tongue out when you were concentrating.

I am sorry for not reading more calvin and hobbes books with you.

I am sorry for not seeking your wise counsel more often.

I am sorry for not helping out more when the twins were born.

I am sorry for ever making fun of your intelligence.

I am sorry if i ever called you boring.

I am sorry for ever making you feel sad.

I am sorry for ever thinking you would always be here.

I am sorry for taking advantage of the time I had with you.

I am sorry for only thinking of myself while you were dying.

I am sorry for being a person you would not be proud of.

I am sorry for not paying more attention to everything you had to say.

I am sorry for being a complainer.

I am sorry that your life was full of physical pain.

I am sorry that I can not bring you back.

I am sorry for not paying attention more in history class.

I am sorry for not shooting hoops with you more.

I am sorry for being an annoying little sister.

I am sorry if I ever bugged you and your friends when we were little. Thank you for never making me feel unwelcome.

I am sorry that I was a horrible story teller when we were little and that you (and dad) would get annoyed.

I am sorry that I didn't realize how cool you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I didn't listen to more music with you.

I am sorry that I just thought of something else but forgot what it was from an a.d.d. moment.

I am sorry I didn't say sorry sooner.

I am sorry we didn't talk about what to do if you were to die.

I am sorry I still wish you were here. I am sure Heaven is much better.

I am sorry my sarcasm wasn't/isn't as good as yours.

I am sorry we didn't watch more three stooges.

I am sorry we didn't quote sergeant bilko more.

I am sorry I ever said rice pudding is gross.

I am sorry for ever making you feel bad about the stuff you were coughing up.

I am sorry for not buying you more yogurt covered raisins.

I am sorry if I ever made fun of your american flag polo shirt..I don't think I did but if I did, I am sorry.

I am sorry for not reading more.

I am sorry for any stress I ever put on you.

I am sorry for not realizing what an amazing big brother you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I ever left your side.

Love, Your annoying/favorite little sister.

If I could change one thing...I would of never left your side.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I know exactly what my brother would do if we could of had this conversation. He would of shrugged his shoulders, pursed his lips, and said, "It's okay Amanda."

I am overwhelmed.