if i could change one thing...

So I'm sitting here at 5:31 a.m. and I can't help but think about my brother Ryan.

I have been wanting to write a new blog all night I just didn't know what I wanted or needed to write about. It has been a sad night for me, and not just because of the new health care bill, but because I no longer have Ryan in my life to explain it to me. He was so smart...no, more like intelligent and well informed. This used to happen more often when he was first gone; something would happen and my first thought would be to call Ryan followed by the sick reality that I could no longer just pick up the phone and call him. What is even more depressing is how often I did not call him.

I am overwhelmed. (whenever you see me write this know that its usually because i am taking time to hold back tears. i hate to cry.)

anywho (Ryan's word), so as I sit here and dwell on the fact that no matter how much I read about this new bill I still have no clue the affect it will have on me. No matter how many articles I read it just becomes more and more clear that I need Ryan and more and more clear how much he's not here. And the even clearer thought I have is regret.

I am overwhelmed.

I regret how much I missed out on because of my own greed. I regret time spent on anything but visiting my brother.

This past year for me has been all about grieving. Grieving the loss of many things: family, friends, a fiance, time, jobs, possessions, etc. But above ALL of those things...so so far above those things is the loss of my big brother Ryan Patrick Sweeney. Now for those of you who know me well enough you know that he has been gone for two years and not just one. But the fact of the matter is I was too consumed by myself that first year to grieve at all. I mean for crying out loud, the day after my brother died I went to work!

unbelievable.

So this blog is a blog full of regret. If I could change one thing...I would of gone to that hospital and not left until June 6, 2008. Thats it. End of story. I should of never left.

I am overwhelmed.

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I left.

I am sorry that I didn't stay.

I am sorry that I didn't come more often with mom.

I am sorry for ever wanting to leave you to get back to work.

I am sorry I didn't stay with Kristin.

I am sorry I wasn't there to cheer you on.

I am sorry that I wasn't there to help you walk.

I am sorry that I missed out on your monumental recovery moments.

I am sorry that I hit you with that roller skate when we were little.

I am sorry for taking the Lord's name in vain and that you had to tell on me to mom. (tattle tail)

I am sorry I didn't support your move to michigan at first and I gave you and kristin 'tude.

I am sorry we didn't laugh more.

I am sorry that I didn't fight for you more.

I am sorry for not walking in the cf walk with kristin that one year.

I am sorry I didn't go to church with mom on Christmas eve and that that made you sad.

I am sorry that I didn't get in a car crash that would supply (hopefully) some lungs for you.

I am sorry that I never sent you a care package.

I am sorry that I didn't pay attention more to your politics jargon.

I am sorry for making fun of how you scratched your armpits.

I am sorry for making fun of how you stuck your tongue out when you were concentrating.

I am sorry for not reading more calvin and hobbes books with you.

I am sorry for not seeking your wise counsel more often.

I am sorry for not helping out more when the twins were born.

I am sorry for ever making fun of your intelligence.

I am sorry if i ever called you boring.

I am sorry for ever making you feel sad.

I am sorry for ever thinking you would always be here.

I am sorry for taking advantage of the time I had with you.

I am sorry for only thinking of myself while you were dying.

I am sorry for being a person you would not be proud of.

I am sorry for not paying more attention to everything you had to say.

I am sorry for being a complainer.

I am sorry that your life was full of physical pain.

I am sorry that I can not bring you back.

I am sorry for not paying attention more in history class.

I am sorry for not shooting hoops with you more.

I am sorry for being an annoying little sister.

I am sorry if I ever bugged you and your friends when we were little. Thank you for never making me feel unwelcome.

I am sorry that I was a horrible story teller when we were little and that you (and dad) would get annoyed.

I am sorry that I didn't realize how cool you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I didn't listen to more music with you.

I am sorry that I just thought of something else but forgot what it was from an a.d.d. moment.

I am sorry I didn't say sorry sooner.

I am sorry we didn't talk about what to do if you were to die.

I am sorry I still wish you were here. I am sure Heaven is much better.

I am sorry my sarcasm wasn't/isn't as good as yours.

I am sorry we didn't watch more three stooges.

I am sorry we didn't quote sergeant bilko more.

I am sorry I ever said rice pudding is gross.

I am sorry for ever making you feel bad about the stuff you were coughing up.

I am sorry for not buying you more yogurt covered raisins.

I am sorry if I ever made fun of your american flag polo shirt..I don't think I did but if I did, I am sorry.

I am sorry for not reading more.

I am sorry for any stress I ever put on you.

I am sorry for not realizing what an amazing big brother you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I ever left your side.

Love, Your annoying/favorite little sister.

If I could change one thing...I would of never left your side.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I know exactly what my brother would do if we could of had this conversation. He would of shrugged his shoulders, pursed his lips, and said, "It's okay Amanda."

I am overwhelmed.

The Original Blame Game

Genesis 3:8-13 "And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and i was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself." He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

God was walking in the garden...they heard Him, and they hid? This is what sin does in our lives! We let sin in even for a second and we all of the sudden don't want to be in the presence of our Creator.

So this particular passage is a little humorous to me...actually a lot humorous. Just please picture this scenario with me for a second: Adam and Eve are currently wearing loincloths made of leaves and are hiding behind trees..they are "hiding" from God...see how quickly they forgot who God is? They forgot their Creator.

I love what God does. I can just picture Him standing in the garden being like, "really?" So He, for whatever reason, decides to humor them a little, or just humor Himself. "Where are you?" He calls out to Adam. The word "you" in this passage is singular. God is calling out the man of the house, Adam.

Again, just picture this with me. Adam and Eve at this point have probably been shushing each other, as if God didn't know where they were, and then God calls out and Adam decides to answer. I can picture him looking at Eve like, "watch this, I totally know how to word this.." Fail.

Have you ever been called out by your parents and they are this close to catching you and your lying your butt off trying to cover up whatever you have done and you say one wrong thing and your done. This is what happened between Adam and God.

What "tipped", as if He didnt already know, God off? "because I was naked," Just picture Adam after this sentence. I can just see him look at Eve and give that little head nod like, "yeah..what now, Eve?" And then God lowers the boom. You know it when it happens between you and your parents. It's that sinking feeling where your heart is now in your stomach and you are realizing that you just called yourself out and they caught you.

"Who told you that you were naked?" boom. I can see Eve smacking Adam like, "You idiot! We're not supposed to know that we're naked!!"

And here is where the original blame game begins..Adam is caught. So what should any man of the house do when in trouble? Blame it on the wife. "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate." Notice what Adam does here: He's so trapped and caught off guard that he blames not only Eve, but God Himself is now being blamed! Are you kidding me? Picture the angels in Heaven watching this all go down. I can just see their reaction when those words came out of Adam's mouth, "whom YOU gave to be with me," "Oh no he didnt!" and others prolly just got that look in their face where you only show your bottom teeth and suck in air and then you exhale with almost a kissy face...you know the one. I'm sure that at one point God shot the angels a look like, "did you hear what this kid just said to me?"

And can you imagine Eve at this point? Where is her big strong man? Where is her protector? They forgot their Creator and their world is crumbling at their feet.

So God goes along with this blame game and now turns His attention to Eve, who is now scrambling for her words. So she does what any good wife would do, she follows Adam's lead. She could of easily blamed it back on Adam but Eve decides to go a different route. She tries to get the attention off of her and Adam asap. "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Eve is a dumb dumb, much like myself. Imagine this conversation, "Well God you see there was this cute little snake thing, Adam thats what you named it right? Anyways, so he was super cute and he just won me over with his charm and well I mean he could talk which was distracting and i just figured that if you made a snake that could talk then he prolly has something important to say and i should listen to him...in conclusion, it is the talking snakes fault, not mine or my idiot husbands fault, but the snake..its definitely the snakes fault..(insert cheesy girl trying to get away with something smile here.)

Where did they go wrong? (besides eating from the tree.)

They ran and literally hid from the Truth. They depended on their own words to get them out of this hot mess.

When we depend on ourselves we fail every time. Every time.

When we hide from the truth we fail every time. Every time.

When we mess up God is there every time. Every time.

He never leaves. Never.
He is waiting for you to just admit that you are wrong and that you need Him.
He has grace to give you. Unending grace.

Grace does not always come without punishment tho..sometimes it does but we rarely ever learn from our mistakes unless there is some sort of punishment.

Adam -->God-->Eve-->serpent....The original blame game: epic fail.

Remember your Creator.

Remember your Creator

Genesis 3: 1-8 "Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made.
He said to the woman, "Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths."

It's funny to me how quickly Eve forgot her Maker. (Granted a snake was talking to her so she was a little distracted.)

Side note: Imagine Adam while this interaction between Eve and the serpent is going on. "Eve, I know you're new here but that's not normal. While I was naming all of these creatures, you know, before you got here, none of them talked to me...I'm just throwin that out there...but by all means, continue..."

I mean seriously, even Eve forgot who God is: Truth. If she would of taken even a second to remember God I might not have my rechid period right now...I might not even be here. Think about how different our world would be if she would of just remembered her Creator.

And did you notice that the serpent didn't even really bring up the forbidden tree directly? Then when Eve brings it up he spins it in such a way that Eve ends up feeling dumb for even believing God. Sin does that you know? When we let it speak into our lives our perspective gets thrown off and we all of the sudden forget all the truth we know and we cave in.

This happens to me more often then I would like to admit. I have these freak out moments about my life and whats going wrong or what could go wrong or what I want but don't have or what I have but don't want and for a split second I forget my Creator. I forget, for whatever reason, that He is so much bigger then me and my problems. Or maybe sometimes I just think he's too big? That God has way better and bigger things to worry about then my piddly life and it's miniscule problems measured against other bigger issues. And although that is true, God still sees and cares about ALL my problems. Now that word "ALL" might freak some of you out...it freaks me out.

I remember sitting in a buffalo wild wings/panera parking lot not too long ago and the thought hit me that I could never get away from God. Now just think about that for a second.

Chew on it....

Even when we push God so far out of our lives that we can't see Him any more, He's still there. So while sitting in this parking lot my pea sized brain actually tried to think of places I could hide from God: Nebraska? Southern Illinois? A hole in the ground in Iran? There is literally no place God does not know about. There is no place He can not go. And in that moment alone in the parking lot I feared God. This literally just hit me while I'm writing this, that my emotion at that moment was a totally natural, healthy, and beautiful way to feel. This is the only time I can really recall having this feeling....I am having a bit of a wow moment thinking about this wow moment.

Think about what you're worried about right now: in every day life what do you worry about? You got it? I'm sure it didn't take long to form a list; long or short; in your head.

Okay now think about your worst fear. The most tragic thing that could happen. That if this thing were to happen your life would come crashing down around you. Got it?



Let it go.

Just let it go.

Remember your Creator.

God doesn't have to remember you...He never stops thinking about you.

The word "remember" shows that you forgot at some point, whether is was for just a second or for a year and a half, you forgot.

I love that I serve a God, the God, who doesn't have to remember. He just knows. He just is.

Think about how different your life would be if in that split second before you freaked out you remembered just how amazing, just how loving, just how awesome, just how gracious, just how caring, just how powerful, and just how all knowing our God is. Imagine what would happen.

God, in my moments of ridiculousness, please help me remember You.
God, I want to, no, I need to change this world, but it starts with me and my heart.
God, I love you. Thank You for every breath You give me.
God, I will fail. But help me to get back up. Let me remember Your unending grace.

Remember your Creator.

since the beginning of time...

Genesis 2:23 ~ "Then the man said,

'This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.'

Since the beginning of time God has showed us what he wants marriage to look like. I have read this passage prolly a million times, I'm sure, but on my journey of reading the Bible cover to cover, I just can't get passed this verse! It's so killer...

I just love the wording...."at last" shows that Adam was longing for this perfect companion and God finally gave her to him. And this was his knee jerk reaction. He woke up and was stoked! He was relieved....and I can not wait for this to happen for me. I know it will. God's got my back. And on the day I meet the man God has set aside for me I know I will say "At Last!" haha

The verses before this are also so perfect...The Bible talks about how Adam had to go through all creation and name everything....haha what a job. I can just picture God going, "Hey, I know you just got here but seeing as how I MADE all of this do you think that you could just name everything? Thaaaanks. Oh and when you're done I have a surprise for you."

So Adam gets done and a "helper fit for him" was no where to be found. So God slips Adam a roofie and removes his rib....wait, what?!

Genesis 2: 21-22 ~ "So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man."

Surprise! You have one rib but a smokin hot wife! You're welcome!

I was talking this verse out with my mom the other day and it hit me how significant the rib is. I mean, think about it. Your ribs are there to protect all of your major organs....protection. What does every woman need/want/long for from her man....protection.

(Now all you feminists calm down out there...I know this sounds old fashioned, but thats because it is, it's from the beginning of time so deal.)

Adams well being was compromised by him sacrificing his rib in order to make eve....literally MAKE her. Granted he didnt really have a choice cuz he was knocked out but this is how God shows us how he needs/wants/longs for men to treat women. This woman was a gift to this man...a sacrifice was made to form this beautiful union of two fleshes becoming one.

So many thoughts in my head about this verse. It just blows my mind every time.

When I get married I am tattooing verse 23 across my ribs....I know my hubby will be stoked on that idea. ha

God, Thank you for always blowing my mind with the simplest of things. This is why You are God and I am not...

The Bible

So it's been brought to my attention that I have never, in my bagillion years of being a Christian, read the entire Bible. This is the book, the words, that I live and die for and I haven't spent the time to ever read the entire thing??.....not okay.

I am a youth leader....(i know what you're thinking, "they trust her with the youth?" haha yepp.) and one of my students/"sister" haha has decided to read the Bible in 90 days. These high schoolers are kickin my butt! haha

90 days from now I will have read the Bible cover to cover....woof. I can't wait!

I die to myself every day.

It's not about me.

So I have started in on my new life of being single for a year...I'm one week in.

I'm not one to blog about me me me but I know that God is going to do amazing things in my life this next year and I want to write about Him. You see, it's not about me at all. And this is what this next year is about...dying to myself.

Life became so much easier when I realized it's not about me at all. Please don't misunderstand me. My definition of easy is not what most people would say is easy. By easy I mean, simple. I have one purpose. I have one reason to wake up in the morning. I have one goal. I have one God, The Only God, The God of the Universe, to live for. You see it's that simple. As long as I do His will I can rest assured that I am doing the right thing.

I will mess up. I will fail. But that's what my God is all about. He's all about my epic fails. He isn't surprised when I do dumb things. He is there waiting for me to realize how dumb I just was...waiting there with nothing but beautiful unending grace.

This next year is all about me falling more and more in love with the God of the Universe who loves me so much that He sent His SON to die for....ME??? This next year is all about me bringing glory to the God that doesn't make any sense but is the only thing that makes sense to me.

God, use me.