if i could change one thing...

So I'm sitting here at 5:31 a.m. and I can't help but think about my brother Ryan.

I have been wanting to write a new blog all night I just didn't know what I wanted or needed to write about. It has been a sad night for me, and not just because of the new health care bill, but because I no longer have Ryan in my life to explain it to me. He was so smart...no, more like intelligent and well informed. This used to happen more often when he was first gone; something would happen and my first thought would be to call Ryan followed by the sick reality that I could no longer just pick up the phone and call him. What is even more depressing is how often I did not call him.

I am overwhelmed. (whenever you see me write this know that its usually because i am taking time to hold back tears. i hate to cry.)

anywho (Ryan's word), so as I sit here and dwell on the fact that no matter how much I read about this new bill I still have no clue the affect it will have on me. No matter how many articles I read it just becomes more and more clear that I need Ryan and more and more clear how much he's not here. And the even clearer thought I have is regret.

I am overwhelmed.

I regret how much I missed out on because of my own greed. I regret time spent on anything but visiting my brother.

This past year for me has been all about grieving. Grieving the loss of many things: family, friends, a fiance, time, jobs, possessions, etc. But above ALL of those things...so so far above those things is the loss of my big brother Ryan Patrick Sweeney. Now for those of you who know me well enough you know that he has been gone for two years and not just one. But the fact of the matter is I was too consumed by myself that first year to grieve at all. I mean for crying out loud, the day after my brother died I went to work!

unbelievable.

So this blog is a blog full of regret. If I could change one thing...I would of gone to that hospital and not left until June 6, 2008. Thats it. End of story. I should of never left.

I am overwhelmed.

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I left.

I am sorry that I didn't stay.

I am sorry that I didn't come more often with mom.

I am sorry for ever wanting to leave you to get back to work.

I am sorry I didn't stay with Kristin.

I am sorry I wasn't there to cheer you on.

I am sorry that I wasn't there to help you walk.

I am sorry that I missed out on your monumental recovery moments.

I am sorry that I hit you with that roller skate when we were little.

I am sorry for taking the Lord's name in vain and that you had to tell on me to mom. (tattle tail)

I am sorry I didn't support your move to michigan at first and I gave you and kristin 'tude.

I am sorry we didn't laugh more.

I am sorry that I didn't fight for you more.

I am sorry for not walking in the cf walk with kristin that one year.

I am sorry I didn't go to church with mom on Christmas eve and that that made you sad.

I am sorry that I didn't get in a car crash that would supply (hopefully) some lungs for you.

I am sorry that I never sent you a care package.

I am sorry that I didn't pay attention more to your politics jargon.

I am sorry for making fun of how you scratched your armpits.

I am sorry for making fun of how you stuck your tongue out when you were concentrating.

I am sorry for not reading more calvin and hobbes books with you.

I am sorry for not seeking your wise counsel more often.

I am sorry for not helping out more when the twins were born.

I am sorry for ever making fun of your intelligence.

I am sorry if i ever called you boring.

I am sorry for ever making you feel sad.

I am sorry for ever thinking you would always be here.

I am sorry for taking advantage of the time I had with you.

I am sorry for only thinking of myself while you were dying.

I am sorry for being a person you would not be proud of.

I am sorry for not paying more attention to everything you had to say.

I am sorry for being a complainer.

I am sorry that your life was full of physical pain.

I am sorry that I can not bring you back.

I am sorry for not paying attention more in history class.

I am sorry for not shooting hoops with you more.

I am sorry for being an annoying little sister.

I am sorry if I ever bugged you and your friends when we were little. Thank you for never making me feel unwelcome.

I am sorry that I was a horrible story teller when we were little and that you (and dad) would get annoyed.

I am sorry that I didn't realize how cool you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I didn't listen to more music with you.

I am sorry that I just thought of something else but forgot what it was from an a.d.d. moment.

I am sorry I didn't say sorry sooner.

I am sorry we didn't talk about what to do if you were to die.

I am sorry I still wish you were here. I am sure Heaven is much better.

I am sorry my sarcasm wasn't/isn't as good as yours.

I am sorry we didn't watch more three stooges.

I am sorry we didn't quote sergeant bilko more.

I am sorry I ever said rice pudding is gross.

I am sorry for ever making you feel bad about the stuff you were coughing up.

I am sorry for not buying you more yogurt covered raisins.

I am sorry if I ever made fun of your american flag polo shirt..I don't think I did but if I did, I am sorry.

I am sorry for not reading more.

I am sorry for any stress I ever put on you.

I am sorry for not realizing what an amazing big brother you were until it was too late.

I am sorry that I ever left your side.

Love, Your annoying/favorite little sister.

If I could change one thing...I would of never left your side.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I know exactly what my brother would do if we could of had this conversation. He would of shrugged his shoulders, pursed his lips, and said, "It's okay Amanda."

I am overwhelmed.